It's Fourth of July weekend. The parades are out, the barbecues are cooking, the pyromaniacs are over preparing, and the whole country is ready to party.
Hard to believe that it was only 238 years ago that a gaggle of crusty white men may or may not have signed the Declaration of Independence. Ever since that day, millions of people have died to defend this country's freedom.
So you're free. Congratulations. Now what?
Freedom is kind of like a set of six-pack abs. You have to exercise it if you want to keep it. Freedom isn't about doing what you're told or towing the party line. Our government was literally founded on the idea of people loudly disagreeing with each other. A couple hundred years later, and we're still loudly disagreeing. Lucky for us, America isn't one of those overly-sensitive friends who can't take criticism. Sure, she can be creepy and overbearing--you know she's hacking into your email account--but she's not fragile. That's why we're imploring you to exercise your patriotic muscles and celebrate--nay, flaunt!--your independence all weekend long.
Four Ways to Flaunt Your Freedom
1) Let Freedom Bling
We've come a long way from the wigs and wooden teeth our founding fathers sported. And with good reason- our freedom of speech allows us to pretty much wear whatever we want. All too often this opportunity is wasted. But not today. As a Zero Gravity Freedom Fighter, we implore you to find the perfect outfit or accessory. May we suggest...
These colors don't run. But they might get all stoic and monochromatic from time to time. Nothing says, "Serious Patriot" like the Protect & Serve iPhone case. Dig it.
Looking for something less subversive but equally ironic? Try this baby on for size:
Yeah. That feels right.
2) Have a Barbecue
You're not a brainless, conformist sheep. You're a lone wolf! But wolves and sheep alike all agree- there's no better way to spend an afternoon than firing up the grill and talking smack about the people who didn't show up.
If you haven't already hosted a BBQ this summer, now is the time. Call your friends, call your foes, and have everyone over for a freedom fest! See our EDM post for some killer tunes to get everyone in the mood. Or, if you're looking to mildly disappoint everyone in attendance, The Hollywood Reporter has prepared a Fourth of July playlist that should do the trick.
3) Form a militia.
Have you even read the Constitution? There's some pretty cray-cray junk in that trunk. Take the oft-cited second amendment for example. All anybody takes away from it these days is the right to pack heat. But our forefathers didn't have modern street violence in mind when they wrote this amendment. The real idea was for people to form militia--private paramilitary entities that could, hypothetically, stand up against the government if it got to be too big for its britches. They considered it essential to our nation's survival.
Now, unless you want to end up staring down the barrel of an unmanned aerial vehicle, we don't recommend trying to overthrow the government. Still, it's your right as a US citizen to form or join a militia. So just do it already. It will make your Instagram feed way more original.
4) Don't listen to us!
Who the hell are we to tell you what to do? Our final piece of advice is to ignore everybody. Your boss, your parents, your significant other, your guru-- anyone who thinks they know what's best for you. Tell them to take a step back. Politely but firmly remind them of your independence, and if they don't understand, just give them a condescending smile and tell them, "It's an American thing."
Happy Fourth of July everybody.