These are uncertain times. Every day, it seems, some new piece of news comes along to rock our world. Today was no exception. Men, women and children the world over were horrified to discover that Hello Kitty -- that gleaming, bubbly cultural icon who stands for all that is good and holy -- is actually not a cat at all.
You read that right. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She is actually a little girl. With whiskers.
We were hit hard by this news, as we're sure you must have been too. But we're not the only victims here. The sad truth is, this is a tremendous loss for cats the world over. They've lost their biggest mascot and champion. Sure, they still have Charmmy Kitty. But that's not much consolation.
As soon as we got the news, we went into emergency mode. We scrapped the in-depth piece on Syria-Russia relations we were writing, and sent our in-house fashion reporter--the beautiful French Bulldog and Zero Gravity mascot, Prosciutto--out to help the cats of the world.
As always, Prosciutto's assignment this week was simple-- find five accessories for under $100 dollars that fit this criteria:
Cats Aren't People Too
Here's what she dug up:
What happens when you piss off the cats of the world? #CatRiot. Look at these determined little goons. They will proudly stand up for what's right. They won't roll over for anybody. Unless you give them a treat or offer them a belly rub. Then they might roll over.
This iPhone case is perfect for showing your defiant cat spirit. Goodbye Kitty, Hello Cat Riot.
Adorable? Check. Insightful social commentary? Double check. Maybe we're reading into this too much- but to us, this tee says, "Hello Kitty is a human being? Well then this cat is a burrito. We won't accept your strange, anthropomorphic, historical revisionism anymore!"
Okay. So it's actually just a jubilant little kitty-head sticking out of a burrito. But in the end- what more do you need?
Are cats actually cosmic guardians of humanity? Some people say it's so. Count yourself among the believers and pick up this beautiful dress from Target. Those celestial feline faces may look innocent, even confused. But they're all-knowing and all-powerful. These cats will prove powerful allies in the coming intergalactic cat war.
If you're the sort of person who would wear these socks, we salute you. And we've got good news too. Right now they're actually 50% off at Nasty Gal. Three dollars for cat socks? They might as well being handing out bricks of gold. Get 'em while you can!
Here's one just for Kitty.
It's true , cats aren't people too. But they still know how to lay down a groove! And a poo. They know how to lay down a poo. In between dance parties and litter-box escapades, cats like tearing shit up. Turn a rampage of destruction into the party of the century with this novelty kitty scratching pad disguised as a turntable.
Those are Prosciutto's picks. But she's got one bonus item that's just too classic to exclude:
An elegant choice, Prosciutto. An elegant choice.
We'll keep you posted as the story of Hello Kitty's crisis of faith develops. In the mean time, let's do everything in our power to make this world a better place for our feline friends. After all, Prosciutto is biologically programmed to be at odds with cats. If she can take on an assignment like this, surely humanity can band together and do what needs to be done: buy cat paraphernalia.
It's the only way to show how much you care. Good luck and Godspeed.