Blame it on the Retrograde: May 2015 Horoscope

Blame it on the Retrograde (Ahhh!).

That's right the 13th will be the day to walk on eggs shells and not take anything too personal. Best advice: It will all be over soon, we promise! 

But on the flip side, MAY is here and there are stars aligning for this month. So find your sign and read on because positive vibes are real! The SF babe herself, Jessica Lanyadoo once again graces us with our monthly horoscope:


March 21-April 19

Sometimes life kicks you in the can ‘cause shit is hard, and no good other reason. But sometimes there is a greater context for why you’re struggling and if you can find it, it’s like winning a crappy jackpot that actually has a really cool prize. What I’m trying to say is: don’t assume that just because it sucks that you can’t get something deeply good from it. This month, the Fates are testing your will. Hold true to your boundaries and sprinkle a little patience on top, and you’ll have exactly what you need. Get distracted by your ego and push your agenda without regard for what’s going on beneath the surface, and you’ll find yourself driven by compulsion. If that happens, you’ll be unable to endure any kind of wait, or find humor in your situation. So here’s the plan: watch out for your moods distracting you from what you know is right, especially around the 9th when the Moon is likely to ruffle everyone’s feathers. Be true to what you’re feeling, even if you’re not sold that you can get what you want. It’s far better to try and fail then not try at all. Honor your needs while being considerate of other people’s perspective; it’s a delicate balance, but you’re capable of it, Aries. If you believe in the potential of your own happiness you’ll have a much easier time handling your shit in a way that’s likely to get you there. So have faith! Not in happy endings per se, because that Disney shit isn’t real; but in your ability to make choices that give you what you need, even when it looks different than you’re expecting it to. 

Power Ballad: Faith – George Michael


April 20-May 20

You’re on call, Taurus. There’s no hiding from your issues or successfully evading consequences this month, so you may as well get on with it. How you respond to the call is all on you, so take note of your reactions, darlin’. Notice if you get scared and try to hide the moment things get real. Do you start looking for blame for crappy things, or is your instinct to find more nuanced answers? No matter what it seems like on the surface, your circumstances are meant to get you better in line with yourself. That means seeking a 2.0’d understanding of how you act, and what you’re really trying to achieve. So get to digging, Bully Bull Bell! Here’s a pro-tip: the avoidance of pain is not the same things as the pursuit of happiness. Just like if a friend promises you that she’ll stop showing up late to everything cuz she knows it pisses you off, it’s not the same thing as her actually changing her relationship to time in a way that’ll get her to show the fuck up. Clarify what you want, and what you’re willing to do to make it happen instead of only thinking about what you’d like to avoid. Make the right decisions for you, even if they’re the harder ones to follow through with. Look especially for meaningful developments with people around the 4th, and if endings occur around then you’re probably best to let that person or thing go. You’re surrounded by love, Taurus, so get out of your own way enough to feel it. With Mercury going retrograde on the 13th you’ll have to pay extra attention to how and what you communicate, but if you stay present and intentional it’ll be a piece of cake, babe.

Power Ballad: Flip Fantasia – US3 


May 21-June 21

It’s only a struggle if you keep on fighting, Twin Star. In your present frame of mind you may slip into wanting to be right, or to win, instead of just dealing with your life in the healthiest way possible. If you engage with bullshit then you’re likely to have it splatter all over (gross, sorry), and that just stinks. The best way to avoid it to not try and outsmart your opponent, but instead to refuse to engage in crazy conversations.  If things don’t make sense and you’ve said your piece, don’t stick around trying to convert fools to your way of thinking, ‘cause that just turns you into a fool, too. The embodiment of wisdom requires knowing when it’s time to let go, and when it’s time to forge ahead, and you need it by the barrel full, this month. It’ll require paying a little less attention to what you think others think of you, and a lot more attention to where you’re actually at. You’ve been working hard and getting through some old crap that was holding you back, and now you may find that people don’t know where to place you. You don’t need to explain yourself to anybody, but it wouldn’t hurt you to be a better communicator with the important people in your life. May’s Mercury Retrograde cycle is happening right in your sign (you lucky dog), and if you aren’t careful you’ll have to deal with fallout from poorly handled connections. The good news is that you’re freaking awesome, and potentially on the way to a whole new phase of life that is more you than the one you’re coming out of. Werk, gurl. 

Power Ballad: Mambo Italiano – Sophia Loren 


June 22-July 22

Letting go of control is never easy, even if you know in your heart of hearts that it’ll be OK. It’s especially hard because often our strongest instincts get blasted out by our strongest emotions- making it hella hard to know what to trust. Instead of getting stressed out by all the shit you can’t understand or fix, try getting organized this month, Moonchild. Forget about what you don’t know, ‘cause obsessing on that will only make you bonkers. Align yourself instead with what you do know – what’s working, what isn’t, and what you can do about it. In regards to what isn’t working, make a list of short-term things you can do to improve or change your situation, and a second list of long-term stuff that needs to get done. The point is to regain control of your insides by wrangling your relationship to your external and internal stressors. It won’t magically change anything, but it will help reduce your suffering, which will allow you to get a better handle over your affairs. This month is a great time for your finances, so if you have a chance to make an extra buck, please do so. It’ll be easy come/easy go if you’re not careful, so thank the Goddess and all her friends that Nasty Gal has Money magic spray in stock, ‘cause you need it for reals, bae. Magnify what you’ve got by keeping an even flow between a state of Zen-like gratitude, and a Suze Orman grasp on your bottom line. There are big themes trying play themselves out in your career sphere so don’t get distracted by the little ones. It’s cool if you need to take a hit for now if you believe it’ll come around and feed you in the future. Just take chances you can live with, darling heart.

Power Ballad: Why Don’t You Do Right - Peggy Lee


July 23-Aug. 22

Your friends are where it’s at this month, stunner. The communities that you’re connected to are an excellent place to find yourself, get support, make the connections you need. You will also be able to help out the bitches you adore, all in one. Hazzah! So please take the hint that this isn’t the time to hide out with your boo, or let your ambitions obscure your need for others. Your career is in an awesome place, and you’re capable of making meaningful strides ahead this month. And while I encourage you to kick some ass in the boardroom (or wherever you to make shit happen), don’t do it at the expense of real-life networking, friend making, and the exchange of good old-fashioned kindness. The pursuit of power and accomplishment shouldn’t come at the expense of these things, even if that means you have hella innovative. If you find that you’re stuck and can’t see your way forward, you’ll do well to ask others for help and perspective. It’s easy to see things from a limited point of view when you’re too attached to the outcome, so take a step back if you can. With Mercury going retrograde on the 13th you’ll need to be extra careful in the second half of May about your interpretations of what’s going on around you. With all this pressure to get ‘er did, this isn’t the best time for sass and romance. It’s not that it can’t happen, as much as that you need to be careful that it doesn’t mess with your focus. Let the love in your life take a supportive role. 

Power Ballad: You’ve Got A Friend – Carole King


Aug. 23-Sept. 22

If you don’t play safe this month it’s just self-sabotage, not real indulgence. You deserve fun, Virgo! And not the kind that has so many repercussions that it costs you more than it gives you, either. It’s time to pursue the people and things that bring you lasting joy, instead of fleeting distractions. That might mean you have to let some bitches go before you can move upwards and onwards, but them’s the breaks. The point is that you prioritize your own happiness, because you deserve it - no explanations, defenses, or excuses; the end. If your loved ones can’t have your back for that, then it’s time for change. Your relationships need to shift, that much is for sure, and it’s on you to avoid being a jerk or a martyr in the process, bae. Don’t stay in the game if you can’t play nice. That’s easier said than done, as you’ve been struggling with inertia and waiting for the fates to make your choices for you. The stars are here to help you break your blocks, but it won’t happen on it’s own. Reconnect with your long view, both personally and professionally. The two parts of your life are meant to reinforce each other, and during this Mercury retrograde cycle is an oddly great time for you to figure out a game plan about it. Whether it’s a relationship that you’ve outgrown, or a habit you’ve gotta break, it’s on you to be the change you want to see in your life. The rewards will totally outweigh the effort, I promise.

Power Ballad: Miss Cleo – Dwayne Milan  


Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Speak your mind, Libra! Get clear about what you think by getting stuff off your chest, cuz if you over-think things in a vacuum, you’ll be absolutely miserable. There’s a huge and important difference between obsessing on every little detail and anticipating the worst, versus being well informed, and knowing what time it is. Your mind may be in overdrive trying to figure life out, but that’s unlikely to be a productive approach. Concentrate on the truthiest truth you know, Libra. I’m talking about the distilled heart of it all, the stuff that you are absolutely certain of. When you get down to the essentials you’ll be better equipped to figure out what’s real and what’re just details you’re allowing yourself to get distracted by. How you handle stress this month is wicked important, because it’ll make everything way better or much, much worse. If you’re in too big of a rush you’ll reach conclusions that are half baked, see. So calm down and have faith that you can figure out your next moves in time. Resist all urges to blast through the foundation laying phase that you’re in, or what you build won’t be solid; that’d suck so hard, ‘cause what you build now is gonna last, Libra. Even if your loved ones don’t understand what you’re doing, now is the time to trust your self. One of the very few nice things about a Mercury retrograde (it starts the 13th FYI) is that it points us away from planning and processing by making it trickier to do. Take this Mercury cycle as your call to go deep within, and scheme, and dig, until you hit gold. 

Power Ballad: I’ve Got To Be Me – Michael Jackson 


Oct. 23-Nov. 21

The gorgeous thing about happiness is that it radiates all around you. It feeds you, the people you touch, and the things you do. The truth is, sadly, that most of us don’t really want to be happy. We don’t wanna be unhappy, but wanting to avoid pain is very different than resonating with success. Investigate all of the ways that staying stuck, small, or Scrooge-like are serving you (even if they’re bumming you out). Cultivate a better understanding of your subconscious motivations so you can rewire them, if need be. The reason why I urge you to do this is because of all the steaming hot good vibes that are pounding at your door. Will you hear it over the sounds of all your internal distractions? Would it change your identity to be super happy with no dramas to hold you back? Really think about this stuff, Scorpio, especially in the first half of May, so that you are more receptive to the excellence that’s coming your way later in the month. Your love life may feel on hold, or like it’s treading water, but luckily it’s not a permanent state of affairs - it’s just so that you focus on what needs tending to. Find other creative channels if you can, and focus on making yourself happy so you can manifest a beloved from that place. If something does start up this month just be wary of false starts; don’t overextend yourself for someone you’ve just met, or count your chickens before they’ve hatched. Something wonderful is coming for you, but you’re gonna have to be patient enough to resist the urge to shut down or self-sabotage before it gets here. Follow your gut instincts and you’ll be fabulous, gurl.

Power Ballad: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper


Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your sign isn’t known for it’s love of limits, sweet Saggi. The kindest way for the Universe to teach you where your breaking point is at, is to give you a chance to make call when you start to feel so over things. Well she did that, but did you listen? ‘Fraid not. Your tendency to ask more and more of your self, and to leave dealing with the consequences later on, is alive and kicking, my friend. Sort out your head so you can deal with what needs to get done, like a damn #girlboss. You won’t feel calm if you leave yourself hanging, so keep your focus and manage your time wisely. The more you can get accomplished before Mercury goes retrograde on the 13th (in your opposite sign, no less), the better. What’d be ideal is if the first half of May could be your time for kicking ass, and then the second half of the month your time for gettin’ some ass. Be open without an agenda, and you may find that love, sex, and play are available to you in some surprising packages. Notice how you’re so set in your ways that you’re not open to things looking differently than they have in the past, or you than you think they “should”. The thing about love is that it’s supposed to nurture and support you, so make sure the folks you’re in love relationships with are able to do just that. If you find yourself frustrated or restless check in with your sweetie. If you have to change the other person in order to get your needs met it’s a bad deal; make choices that are sustainable without total transformation, or it just may be time for revolution.

Power Ballad: What’s Up – 4 Non Blondes


Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Your identity needs to catch up with what you already know but are hemming and hawing over, Cappy. Instead of worrying about how things are going to play out, try seeing what everybody else sees– that you totally have this. Your desire for certainty is getting in the way of you actually having it, so prepare for some major growth or a total pain in your hiney this month. Stop pretending you don’t know what’ll come next, and forget about watering down your confidence. It’s not arrogant to know your worth, and it’s not cute to waste your time trifling with shit that is beneath you. Embrace your fierceness without compromising on humility; that means owning your shit while still listening to others, and when/if you screw up, take the time to not only say you’re sorry, but to mean it. if things aren’t perfect that’s OK, you just gotta keep on keepin’ on, Cap. There’s so much dynamic energy in the Stars for you this month, and that may play out in your dating life or in your ability to make and do things creatively. Watch out especially around the 9th for major triggers to the Stress Express, and try to stay as calm and measured in your responses as possible. 

Your work life needs attention this month as you figure out how to manage your opportunities and goals. Don’t take on too much, but instead figure out what the highest impact things you can do are. It’s all about working smarter, not harder, my friend. That’ll take balance between listening to others, trusting your instincts, and going with the flow of your life.

Power Ballad: I’m Gonna Be – The Proclaimers


Jan. 20-Feb. 18

You’ve got to give something up to get what you want next, even if letting go is a total boner. The good news is that just because it’s not coming easy, doesn’t mean it’s not coming, Aquarius. It’d be smart to gather up your energy and see how you can best conserve it for the road ahead. You’ve got a lot of shit to do, and because it’s all important stuff to you, you’re unlikely to have an light attitude about it. Adopt some structure to your goals so that you don’t run out of time, or misuse it en route to greatness. If you’re going to successfully make the kind of changes you want it’ll take helluv effort, so make peace with that part right now. The biggest risk I see for you this May is that you fight yourself on the shit you’re gonna do anyways. So try for the easy way, bae. If you have the right attitude you can get things done in a way that doesn’t break you. It may be way easier said than done, but good work if you can get it. This isn’t a great time to pick up new work, or start new projects because of how you’re feeling, but if you have to, then make sure you pace yourself through making first impressions. If you lead people to believe that you’re the kind of hooker that’ll come in early and stay late, fools will expect you to keep that up long-term. So create expectations you can reasonably live with, and do your best within that framework. When it comes to love there’s lots of opportunity to get your hands (and other parts) dirty this month. Clarify what you want – love, sex, courtship, whatevs – and make sure that your actions are consistent with those desires. Follow through with your vision and you’ll have it made. 

Power Ballad: Bat Out Of Hell – Meatloaf


Feb. 19-March 20 

The things you’re sad about may suck a bit, but they are knowns. There’s no mystery to them, and there are likely to be any huge surprises around them, either, so don’t let them trip you up too much or slow you down. You are about to have some serious action, and while that’s good news you’re going to have be decisive and get shit done, which is kinda a pain in the ass. Luckily it’s nothing you can’t handle, but the question is whether or not you want to. It would be wicked awesome it you could take a holiday and peace out of your life, but I’m afraid that’s not possible for most of you. take a much needed break whenever you can, staycation style. Give yourself the gift of unplugging from your life and being totally, blessedly unavailable once a week in May. Use that time to recharge and reconnect with your raison d’etre, Pisces. When it comes to work you’ve just gotta trust your instincts. You’re meant to make changes that support where you want to be in the big picture – not just make things easier on yourself for now. 

Love is a whole other matter this month, I'm happy to say. If you can get over all the other crap that’s distracting you, you’ll find that there are people who like and love you, and just wanna be around you. allow yourself to enjoy people on your own terms. Trade in kindness, play, and collaboration, my friend. People don’t have to be a burden when you’re upfront about your needs. Be straightforward and you’ll be pleased with the results.

Power Ballad: St. Louis Blues – Eartha Kitt


  • Flabbergasted

    What’s happened to Capricorn?

  • Pearson

    My birthday is the 13th! Retrograde yourself another day Mercury!!!!!

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